


Dysphoria and Euphoria

by archdemonblood



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 06:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18424818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archdemonblood/pseuds/archdemonblood
Summary: Nott struggles with intimacy in her goblin form. The morning after the events of C2E57, she and Yeza discuss their relationship, their past, and their future.





	Dysphoria and Euphoria

Veth opened her eyes, and for a moment, in the darkness of the Xhorhasian morning, she felt normal. She could hear Yeza’s soft snoring next to her, and the air coming in through the window smelled like rain. The city outside was quiet. She moved closer to her husband in the not-quite-dark darkness until she could feel his warm breath on her face and his skin on her skin. 

He stirred slightly, feeling her there. 

“Shhhh,” she said, sorry to have woken him. 

He gave a grunt that sounded nothing like ‘don’t worry about it,’ but somehow communicated that anyway. His hand moved beneath the blankets and found her arm, then caressed up it until it found her shoulder, then finally her chin. He cupped her face and they rested there in a sleepy embrace. 

She reached out her own hand to touch him, but realized even in the darkness that her hand was wrong, and she, Nott, recoiled. What seconds ago had been thoughtless and easy was not impossible not to overthink. 

There was a moment of quiet confusion, and then, “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Nott said immediately. 

“You drew back.” He wasn’t arguing with her. He probably couldn’t have argued with her if he’d wanted to. He still sounded so tired. One meal hadn’t made up for many days of starvation and terror in Xhorhasian cell. 

“I didn’t want you to wake up and see…” 

“The love of my life?” he asked. 

“A monster.”

His eyes were open now. Although the curtains were drawn and the sun was blocked out by magic beyond them, Nott could feel Yeza’s eyes on her. There was nothing like the feeling of Yeza’s eyes on you. There was a quiet intensity to his gaze that never crossed the line to judgemental. He had looked at her old face, her true face, like he wanted to study it for months on end until he’d memorized every wrinkle and stray hair, because each and every one of them was as endlessly fascinating as all the secrets of the universe. Although he didn’t have dark vision, she could tell that he was staring at her new face in just the same way. 

“Do you remember when Luke was born?” he asked her. 

“How could I forget?” Nott asked. “The pain, the first time I held my son in my arms... It was a pretty memorable experience.” 

There was a fast exhale as he smiled. “Not right when he was born. I mean more like... the first couple of months. When we weren’t getting much sleep and we fell behind on laundry..."

“... and I told you Luke was going to be an only child,” Nott agreed. 

“Yeah,” Yeza said. “And that’s not all you told me. I remember this one day when I came home from the shop and you were in the rocking chair with Luke. And you saw me come in and you were upset because... because you’d been home all day and you hadn’t brushed your hair or taken a bath or even changed out of your pajamas, and I told you that I didn’t care what you looked like. You’re the mother of my child, and the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” 

“And then you took Luke from me while I took a bath and changed my clothes and braided my hair.” Nott smiled. “That was the first time we were intimate, after Luke’s birth.” 

“I don’t care what you look like, Veth,” Yeza said. 

“But I do.” Nott looked down at her long, skinny green arms, which she could see so clearly. One more curse of this goblin form: It was never too dark to see herself. “I don’t like the thought of you kissing... this. I want you to remember kissing _me_. The way I was. The way I will be again some day, when Caleb is strong enough.” 

“Caleb?” 

Nott nodded, sitting up now in the dark. “Caleb is an incredibly powerful wizard, Yeza. He’s interested in some really revolutionary things. And he’s my best friend--aside from you, of course--and I know that one day soon, he’ll be strong enough to change me back. And then I can come home, and we’ll be a family again, you, me, and Luke.” 

“Veth..." Yeza reached up for Nott’s face, but Nott drew away. He sighed, but let his arm fall back to his side. “I’ve dreamed about you coming home every night since that night we split up. I know Luke has dreamed about it too. When I got that first package from you, I felt... Just. Whatever happens, you have to come home, alright? I know that right now, you need to try to... to turn back. And maybe you _need_ to travel with your new friends. But visit us, _please_. And if it turns out that your friend won’t be able to turn you back, just come back the way you are. Because that’s all we want. For you to come back.” 

Nott shook her head. “Luke wouldn’t understand..."

“He would, if you gave him a chance. He’s a smart boy.” 

“Yes, he’s very smart. I know that. But..." Nott stared down at his face, so clear in the darkness. His hair was a little messy and he needed to fatten up a bit, but he was still clearly her husband, and she was so flooded with relief that he was safe and free that he could have been a slobbering three-headed octopus, and she’d have still loved him. “I will come home,” she said. “I promise you that. Caleb’s working on a spell that will let us come to Nicodranas as often as we want, and I’ll always visit you. I don’t... I think that, for now, I should keep disguising myself around Luke, so that I look the way he expects, but if it turns out that I’m stuck like this forever, I’ll let him see me the way that I am now, and we’ll all learn to be okay with that. I promise.” 

“Thank you,” Yeza said. 

“Thank you,” Nott said. 

“For what?” 

_For being the one person who has always loved me, no matter what._ “Nothing. Just. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Veth.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “Will you lay back down?” 

“Yes,” she said, cautiously lowering herself back onto the floor. 

He held his hand out to her. “Can I hold your hand?” He’d asked her that once before: after the kiss, but before the drunken teenage consummation of their relationship. It had still been puppy love back then; not the deep love of a husband for his wife, of a father for the mother of his child, or of a woman who had crossed a continent and betrayed a kingdom for the man she loved. It had been puppy love, and it had been easy and fun and all of the things that Nott’s life hadn’t been since she became Nott. “Since you don’t want to cuddle..."

“Yes,” Nott said. “Let’s hold hands.” 

She gave him her hand and she didn’t look. She just focused on his skin on her skin. She felt the hair on the back of his hand beneath her fingers and she smiled fondly as she realized how sweaty his palms were. His hands were warm, too. There’s no warmth in the world like a good halfling man’s hands around your own. It spreads through your body all the way to your toes and makes you feel like the whole world is quiet and safe and nothing bad can touch you. 

Though she still desperately wanted to become Veth again, Nott, the goblin, felt truly happy for what was perhaps the first time.


End file.
